Conquering the fear

Its been a while. I know. Good things are scarce and all that...

So........ a lot has changed since the last post. Lists... indeed.

I seem to need a list again. The not-so-ex is back. And its fabulous.

This is not to say that I've thrown all caution to the wind.

Quite the contrary.

For the first time in my life I reckon I'm being rational.

There is a quiet sense of comfort in not expecting EVERYTHING to work out as you plan, and to know that, come what may, you will land on your feet. (As much as I love dogs, I have to give cats credit for that!) Or as near to as doesn't make a difference.

There is no anxiety, just a deliciously languid feeling of "rightness" (for lack of a better word). Everything is (again) as it should be. Maybe that is because we know each other so well, or because we our old routine is so familiar.

But we grow as people, we keep evolving. What we want today, is not necessarily what we will want next year. And as long as we're honest with ourselves and everyone in our lives about that, I reckon anything can work out as you want it to. You might not get what you want in the end, but honesty has become much more important to me in the last year. Don't make promises you cannot guarantee you will keep - you might change your mind next week. Its possible, and not necessarily a bad thing. It just is.

There are no fairytale endings. Right now I feel like I'm in the middle of a fairtytale, and I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it will all have been a dream. But I've been dreaming for a month now, and the dream is still good.
So, if you're not expecting the "Happily Ever After" bit, there's no pressure. That's not to say you can let everything slide and not make an effort. By no means. When you have known each other this long, there is considerable effort necessary. But this, also, does NOT have to feel like a chore.

Anyway, in hindsight, I needed 2010 so much. I needed to be on my knees, begging the universe, the Gods, my higher self, whatever you choose to call it, to make it feel better. It took a looooooooooooooooooong time, but it DID get better. Everything got better.

And the simple reason for that is, that I had to accept myself. With all my flaws. And when you make peace with yourself, everything becomes easier. Needless to say, there are still the crap days, and the days when nothing goes according to plan, the days when all you want to do is send your boss and e-mail saying, "Screw this, I'm done." But I have realised that I am a fighter. Regardless of the storm I find myself in, I eventually do find the silver lining, and a night of crying myself to sleep clears the cobwebs in my brain, and gives me renewed energy for the next day. And in the morning I put on my war paint, and tackle the bloody admin again.

This sounds so soppy. Scary part is, I always knew it, but now I live it.

So... fairytale endings. They might be in the cards, they might not.

But I will not miss out on this part of the experience because of fear.

"The fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fear"