Jagermeister... enough said

I have been chastised recently for my lack of blogs.

I do apologise, but it is LOVELY to know how popular I am. Seriaas!

Sooo… I guess this is where I go into my excuses?

 I have been working my butt off the last month, sacrificing public holidays and lying in on Saturday mornings, trying to let one of my houses. Needless to say, a lot of it was wasting time. Take election day. I went to make my mark early, and thus sat at the property from 14:00 until 17:00, for 4 prospective tenants who were interested in viewing it. One had the audacity to tell me over the phone that I should sit in the morning, as he wanted to go have lunch in Franschoek that day! I politely told him, no. And then, of the four tenants who desperately wanted to view it, ONE pitches up, at 16:45. I have still not closed the deal on this fricking house.  And, despite working my butt off, I am earning less than my basic outgoings this month – JOY!

Other than that, the honeymoon is NOT quite over *gush* and I have enjoyed spending time with the not-so-ex. So much so, that I don’t stop talking about him. I landed myself in trouble with this on Saturday night. The male half of The Coolest Flatmates Ever had a birthday party. It was supposed to be an early night. Tequila Tart and the female half of The Coolest Flatmates Ever decided I had to forfeit every time I mention the-not-so-ex’s name, and stoopidly, I accepted the challenge.

And had five Jagermeisters in the space of an hour. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea!

The not-so-ex rocked up (he was my lift home, thank the gods) and literally 30 minutes later I was whispering in his ear “I have to go lie down for a bit”.  “Lying down for a bit” turned out to be 5 minutes, before I had to dash to the bathroom. I was then kicked out of the bathroom by Dearest Friend, and whispered a new line in the-not-so-ex’s ear. “I don’t feel well”. Like the chivalrous gentleman that he is, he pronounced to a few partakers that he is taking me home. For some reason, that still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The only part of the trip home I remember, is sitting in the corner of the lift leaving their flat.

Once home, I spent some quality time getting re-acquainted with the toilet (we hadn’t seen each other in a while).

Waking up Sunday morning was NOT fun. The worst headache in remembrance and still feeling decidedly ill. And the plan for the day was lunch with the-not-so-ex’s family.  Luckily, by the time lunch came around, I was feeling so much better that I actually had two glasses of red wine. Again… Some of us never learn.  Sunday night was a very early night – in bed around 8 and slept like a log.

And then, last night, I could have drank all night, I reached tipsy, and didn’t waiver from that path, and I’m pretty sure Dearest Friend and I sat up until after 12, having a lengthy discussion on religion, and I’m not tired AT ALL today. Now, why can’t THAT be my default? Being the wino that I am?

Suppose I’m getting old. Meh, that's ok, too. I'll leave the late nights to The Monster and Tequila Tart...

Conquering the fear

Its been a while. I know. Good things are scarce and all that...

So........ a lot has changed since the last post. Lists... indeed.

I seem to need a list again. The not-so-ex is back. And its fabulous.

This is not to say that I've thrown all caution to the wind.

Quite the contrary.

For the first time in my life I reckon I'm being rational.

There is a quiet sense of comfort in not expecting EVERYTHING to work out as you plan, and to know that, come what may, you will land on your feet. (As much as I love dogs, I have to give cats credit for that!) Or as near to as doesn't make a difference.

There is no anxiety, just a deliciously languid feeling of "rightness" (for lack of a better word). Everything is (again) as it should be. Maybe that is because we know each other so well, or because we our old routine is so familiar.

But we grow as people, we keep evolving. What we want today, is not necessarily what we will want next year. And as long as we're honest with ourselves and everyone in our lives about that, I reckon anything can work out as you want it to. You might not get what you want in the end, but honesty has become much more important to me in the last year. Don't make promises you cannot guarantee you will keep - you might change your mind next week. Its possible, and not necessarily a bad thing. It just is.

There are no fairytale endings. Right now I feel like I'm in the middle of a fairtytale, and I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it will all have been a dream. But I've been dreaming for a month now, and the dream is still good.
So, if you're not expecting the "Happily Ever After" bit, there's no pressure. That's not to say you can let everything slide and not make an effort. By no means. When you have known each other this long, there is considerable effort necessary. But this, also, does NOT have to feel like a chore.

Anyway, in hindsight, I needed 2010 so much. I needed to be on my knees, begging the universe, the Gods, my higher self, whatever you choose to call it, to make it feel better. It took a looooooooooooooooooong time, but it DID get better. Everything got better.

And the simple reason for that is, that I had to accept myself. With all my flaws. And when you make peace with yourself, everything becomes easier. Needless to say, there are still the crap days, and the days when nothing goes according to plan, the days when all you want to do is send your boss and e-mail saying, "Screw this, I'm done." But I have realised that I am a fighter. Regardless of the storm I find myself in, I eventually do find the silver lining, and a night of crying myself to sleep clears the cobwebs in my brain, and gives me renewed energy for the next day. And in the morning I put on my war paint, and tackle the bloody admin again.

This sounds so soppy. Scary part is, I always knew it, but now I live it.

So... fairytale endings. They might be in the cards, they might not.

But I will not miss out on this part of the experience because of fear.

"The fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fear"